Online Dating SUCKS! Part One

Online Dating SUCKS!  
Part One

Ahniya quickly swooped up the parking space just vacated by the sleek sliver bullet also known as a Jaguar. One day, she thought as she perfectly wedged her less expensive alpine green Jeep wrangler in between two cars.  “Don’t be mad Ernie, mama will keep you too,” she said as she walked towards the crowded wine bar. Ahniya named all of her cars to the merriment of her friends and loved ones. 

As she got closer to the wine bar she could see her reflection. Pretending to be on the phone she stopped to check out her profile.  Red hair the color of sun-dried brick was cut in a small neat fro. Her sharp features softened by the freckles sprinkled on her face. She was average height a bit on the chubby side; she could never drop that last twenty pounds that kept her shopping on the plus side of the aisle. Men thought Ahniya either beautiful or ugly. Like most women she rotated between the two, but mostly lived somewhere in the middle when she considered her appearance.  As she headed for the door she took on last glance at her reflection before entering the bar. She spotted her bestie immediately.
“Ahniya, with yo late self! Lauran said
“Sorry girl, my boss was pontificating about some BS that I had to pretend like I cared about.” Ahniya said.
“I ain’t mad at cha, keep climbing that ladder! We trying to get rich!”
“We?”  Ahniya said.
“Yes we!” said Lauran.
Ahniya and Lauran laughed while hugging each other. “This place is kinda packed for a Tuesday night, Ahniya said while sitting down.  “Yeah, I asked Greg what the deal was and he said it was some kinda impromptu engagement party,” replied Lauran. “Great.” Ahniya said. Lauran looked at her friend. “What? Oh no. Don’t you start that Dr. Phil mess tonight!” Ahniya exclaimed.
“Ahniya,” said Lauran.
“Nope. At least let me get liquored up for this session!” Ahniya replied. Spotting their favorite waiter/bartender Greg, Ahniya waved him over. “All I did was look at you, stop being extra. Lauran said smiling. Lauran’s smile was captivating. Perfect sparkling white teeth against smooth milk chocolate skin, No matter how irritated Ahniya may have felt with Lauran, all she had to do was smile and she was putty in her hands.
“Hey! There she is!” Greg said.
“Hi Greg, Ahniya said.”
“Glass of Bricco Riella, and crab cakes?”
“Yup”
“Greg, Lauran cooed, can you make that a Bottle please?”
“ I sure can,” Greg said. He winked at Lauran and walked away.
“A bottle?  What are we celebrating?” Ahniya asked.
“Two things. First you’re going to finally meet him!” Lauran said
“Your Jay?” Ahniya asked leaning foward in her seat.
“Yes!” Lauran squealed.
“Wow, ok this must be serious!’ Ahniya said.
“It is. I think im in--”
“LOVE?”  Yelled Ahniya drawing stares from those closes to them.
“Yeah…Yes I am and I wanted him to meet you my sister/friend.” Lauran said.  She was right, although they looked nothing alike, Ahniya and Lauran meet in 7th grade and had been inseparable ever since. That was twenty years ago.  “Okay, then yeah I’m glad I get to meet him so I can know what he looks like in case I have to kill’em,” Ahniya said. “You won’t.  He’s a keeper.” Lauran said smiling.  “Time will tell.” Ahniya said flatly.
 “It has.” Said Lauran.
“Meaning?
“Meaning any man that can go five months without having sex..” Lauran said slyly.
“Really?
“Yup, today is the six month mark, we didn’t have sex until two weeks ago.” Lauran said proudly.
“It’s not him I’m amazed at…it’s you!” Ahniya said amused.
“I want love AND good sex.  I wanted to see if he wanted the same thing, turns out he did.”  Lauran said dreamily.
“Well, that’s indeed a rare man that can wait that long, I bet you tore that man up when ya’ll finally did it,” Ahniya said.
“Let’s just say I called off work the next day.” Both started laughing. Greg brought the bottle of Moscato and their appetizers to the table. “Ladies anything else?” He asked.
“Just in time!” Ahniya says, taking a big gulp of her wine.
“We’re good Greg thanks.” Lauran said.
“My pleasure, Greg said.
“I’m happy, I’ve finally found him.” Lauran said.  With Stevie Wonders “Love’s In Need of Love Today” playing softly in the background mixed with the laughter of the other patrons Ahniya didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so she just took another drink.
“I’m worried about you.”  Lauran said.
“ I’m happy for you.  Let’s just celebrate your moment and not get into my love life right now.” Ahniya implored.
“You mean lack of love life.”
“Lauran.”
“It’s been three years. He’ not coming back friend move on.” Lauran said gently.
“I have moved on, I’m just not a man magnet like you,” Ahniya said, trying to keep from sounding bitter.
“Oh here we go! I am not a man magnet. I just use technology to my advantage,” replied Lauran
“No.” said Ahniya
“Oh come on! It works!” Countered Lauran.
“For you!” Ahniya said
“You gotta give it time girl!” Lauran said
“Online dating has gotten me lied to, bamboozled, and run-a-muck!  My last stint online I think I got the Guinness book of world records for most stood up woman in modern day history!” Ahniya said.
“I thought you might need this,” Greg said placing a cotton candy colored drink beside Ahniya. He patted her on the shoulders and left. “Am I loud?” Ahniya asked. “Kinda, said Lauran. They both started giggling. “Well I’ll take this pity drink thank you very much Greg!” Ahniya said and took a sip.
“Seriously when was the last time you tired and didn’t give up after three days?” said Lauran.
“You know the answer.  I’m not doing this!” Ahniya said.
“So every dating site sucks?” Lauran asked.
“I’ve tried them all at some point, and I’m still single so yeah”
“E-Harmony?” suggested Lauren
“29 Dimensions of crap.” Ahniya replied
“Match.com?” She implored.
“Should be called size 6 and below---fat girls need not apply”
“Christian Mingle”?
“Should be renamed to Black men who only date Dolly Pardon look-a-likes only.”
“Plenty of Fish?”
“Should be called Plenty of Fuc---“
“Wooo!” Laruen laughed. “I get it I get it! I have to agree with you about Christian Mingle and Plenty of Fish, but what about Zoosk?”
“A bunch of old men with vasectomies.”
“How…Nevermind.”  Lauran said
“Exactly.” Ahniya said.
“This leads me to my second surprise of the night.” Lauran said.
“Okay.”
“Well Jay has a FRIEND!” Lauran said excited.
“Lauran.”
“You know I would never hook you up with a loser, I vetted the hell out of him. After telling Jay about you he agreed.”
“So I’m guessing they’ve seen pics? Anhiya asked.
“None. Jay said his friend is not superficial and was fine with meeting you without seeing one.”
“Interesting.”
“It’ll be fun! What if you two end up in love then we can have a double wedding!”
“Um never.”
“Yeah that is corny Lauran says while looking down at her phone. Oh Jay just parked,” she said.  “Is his friend with him, Ahniya asked nervously. “He didn’t say—here he comes now! Lauran stands up and walks over to greet him. Wine glass in hand Ahniya turns around in her seat and gasps.

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